I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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