There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i came on her dog
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
