Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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