Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i love accidental penises.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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