Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
