I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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