I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
