this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
