Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
