okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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