I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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