You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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