just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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