I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
