When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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