They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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