She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
