NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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