Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
