Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
