Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
