I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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