wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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