Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
