i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
