I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
farters have to be the big spoon...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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