Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
