I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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