Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
