Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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