I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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