it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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