Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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