This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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