i just made my gag reflex go away.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
