There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
