They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
