tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
third nipple confirmed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
