True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
