I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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