I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
