You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
