Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
