my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
