You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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