When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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