we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
