my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I think my moral compass just broke
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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