you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
