made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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