I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
