i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
