She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
