i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
