i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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